Enough Said

Already Gone

Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love."  - Washington Irving

Living with Regret

"Double Depression"

I saw my new psychiatrist this week, and I really like her. I think this will be a good fit.

She asked me how my current meds were working. I floundered a bit, then said, "I've about come to the conclusion that I need to lower my expectations, that I need to accept that I won't ever be the person I used to be."

She said, "You do realize, don't you, that you have dysthymia as well as major depressive order?" I told her that, about a year ago, I noticed dysthymia as a diagnosis on my chart, but when I looked it up, it seemed to be contradictory to the diagnosis of major depressive disorder (dysthymia is defined as "mild, chronic depression;" I certainly knew that what I suffered with most of my life was NOT mild).

"Not at all contradictory," she stated, and she began to explain the impact of having both disorders. "Essentially," she said, "you have double depression." I was astounded. It explained so much. "So, yes, unfortunately," she continued, "you may need to lower the bar."

I've since researched her explanation, and now, dear reader, I will explain it to you. (Sorry, I just had a brief Brontë moment there).

Dysthymia is a chronic, depressed mood that lasts at least two years. Sometimes referred to as a "veil of sadness," this low, dark mood occurs nearly every day and persists for years. Dysthymia often begins in childhood. Since dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for 10 to 20 years before being diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, just who they are.

Symptoms of dysthymia include low self-esteem, a low capacity for pleasure, withdrawal from stressful situations, low energy, overeating, too much or too little sleep, feelings of hopelessness, poor concentration, chronic pain, headaches, and stomach disorders. People with dysthymia usually find little pleasure in regular activities and pastimes.

As time goes by, greater than half of people with dysthymia experience worsening symptoms that lead to the onset of major depressive disorder on top of their chronically depressed mood. This is known as double depression, a serious, potentially life-threatening condition. Double depression is under-recognized and harder to treat than either dysthymia or major depression by themselves.

A small study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that the distinguishing symptom of double depression, as opposed to a major depressive episode or dysthymia alone, seems to be hopelessness. People with double depression have given up on ever recovering from their condition and have a bleak outlook on life. It's difficult to motivate them to have treatment, such as medication and therapy. 

Symptoms of double depression are similar to both dysthymia and major depressive disorder but are greater in degree and impact. Extreme fatigue, feelings of guilt, withdrawal from family situations, delusions, and hallucinations are additional symptoms.

The constant stress causes changes in the brain and the body. Those with double depression are at a higher risk for heart disease, diabetes, and other major medical conditions. Double depression can also worsen other chronic diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

So. Now I have a much clearer picture of my depression, and hopefully my family will understand a bit better, as well. I'm always letting them down. I commit to things then cancel at the last minute. I get excited about family visits then back out. I've let down my little great-niece, age 7, so many times (including today), in both minor and major situations, that I worry constantly that she'll only remember me as an irresponsible person that was never there for her.

Guilt, worthlessness, fatigue, guilt, lethargy, hopelessness, guilt (did I mention that already?), withdrawal, self-loathing...

The battle rages on, but I'm a weary soldier.

Sources: WebMd, Mayo Clinic, National Institute of Health, Psych Central, Right Diagnoses, Florida State University, Depression Place, Wikipedia, and eHow.

Erased from History

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."  ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Weight Controls

Images from http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/8812

Address in the Stars

Today is the 6th anniversary of my Mother's death. Although I function better these days, my grief over her loss is pervasive and continuous. I know she wasn't perfect. I know that some of her faults were great. Not all my memories are good ones.

But, as I've said before, I discovered after she was gone that she was my reference point. When she died, I lost my identity. It had been just the two of us for nineteen years, and she lived with me the last five. And most of that last five, I was her caregiver.

She's part of me, beyond the fact that she gave birth to me. I miss her every day. I start to call her several times a week. And every day, I'm mired in guilt.

I know she's in Heaven. I know we'll be reunited. If I didn't have that certainty, I wouldn't have gone on without her.

"Address in the Stars"
by Caitlin and Will
 
  I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breathe
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that ain't nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you every day
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
All I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

Dearest Mother, I remember you.

Addendum: Right now, at 1:00 p.m. CST, I'm right back in that hospital room in ICU, holding her hand and sobbing my heart out. Family surrounds me. Mother's already been unconscious for 5 hours due to the morphine drip. Every conversation, every word we shared during the night is cycling through my mind. The last thing I said to her this morning before she fell asleep is, "I won't leave you!" And I guess I never have.

Endless Grief

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." -C.S. Lewis

Quoth the Raven...

but those days are long gone.

August 29, 2010

Sunday, 11:18 am

My grocery delivery is supposed to be here between 11 and 3. Plus I'm hungry. I haven't been able to stop eating, no, binging, since the psychiatrist put me on Saphris. All I did yesterday was eat and eat and lay down. I already ate 2 Ding-Dongs today, so there are only 4 left.

I'm running the dishwasher again. I ran it on Friday (or yesterday, I don't know) with regular Cascade and there was powder left all over the dishes. Guess it's not a very good dishwasher and I just couldn't tell it with those little packets I use.

Called Sarah yesterday. Complained to her about my depression and this new med. She said she'd send me a 2nd-hand copy of the 1st Harry Potter book.

Got a call from Kathleen. She's still laid up in bed with that knee she fell on, hasn't bothered to call the knee specialist that the dr told her to get in to see ASAP. He's afraid of a blood clot forming from what he said. She knows that's nothing to mess around with! It's like I'm talking to a brick wall! Arrgh!

Can't think of anything else to say. I was all gung-ho about this Artist's Way book but I can't see how it's helping me. I am remembering my dreams more but since they're mostly bad dreams I can't see any good in that.

Tomorrow is Daddy's birthday. Hard to believe how fast time goes.

I'm bothered and mad at myself for spending so much money on eating out.

I'm upset about these facial tremors. My chin, mouth, cheeks, and jaw are all trembling and jerking way more than they were. So much for new medicine that doesn't have that side effect. My teeth are starting to chatter and grind, too.

I just feel lost. I know it's the depression, but that doesn't change my frustration or the emptiness.

Recipe Help Needed!

I need recipes with few ingredients and short preparation times that I can do even on bad days. I've looked on the internet many times, but just end up exhausted. I'm finally asking for help with this.

Due primarily to my depression, I hardly eat because I'm no longer capable of any real cooking (and I used to be an adventurous and superb cook). I have occasional good days when I can put a salad together, but usually I eat things like cereal with milk, hominy with margarine and mesquite seasoning, rice with olive oil and salt, a lunchmeat sandwich (if I feel like putting the ingredients together), a piece of bread, granola with yogurt, or a glass of milk. Many times I've been known to open a can of, for example, green beans, eat them from the can, and not eat anything else the rest of the day. (I dislike tuna and peanut butter). I have the majority of my groceries delivered, both because of the depression and because of having no car (and no arm muscles or lung capacity to carry much!).

As a result of not eating much and of the inability to really exercise (although on some days I walk a lot), my metabolism has decreased. The 45 pounds I lost a year and a half ago has all come back, but it didn't come back in the places it left...it came back primarily in my middle, which puts me at a higher risk of heart disease (and makes me look much uglier -- I've always been overweight but I was always well-proportioned). Both my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have told me I have to lose weight...this is no longer an option, but rather a medical imperative. I'm currently about 213# and I'm only 5'6".

If anyone can help me with a recipe or two, I'd so appreciate it! You can either post it in a comment here or email me at reedmorgan.writer@gmail.com. I'm leaning toward more vegetarian dishes, but any recipe would be appreciated.

I posted this same request on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I received wonderful responses. But I still need more help; please help if you can! Thank you.

A Cage Without a Key

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Miscellaneous

I had my first visit with my new therapist today (Tues.). His name is Joe and he's very tall. I've never had a male therapist before, but I think I'll like him. I won't see him next week, but after that I'll be back in therapy weekly. I'm so glad. I've called the on-call therapist many times over the last couple of months. I also saw the psychiatrist today; I'm seeing her every two months. No medication changes.

Thursday I will finally achieve, with the help of my nephew, clearing out my storage unit. I've been going through boxes at the unit two or three days a week for over a month now, so everything that comes into my apartment will be items I know I'm keeping or giving to family members. There are many, many trash bags in storage now, and lots of boxes and items labeled for Goodwill. I still have tomorrow to finish going through things, and then I've reserved a rental truck for Thursday. Unfortunately, I still have belongings in both my sisters' storage units. I don't understand how I accumulated so much junk. It's very oppressive.

Then Friday I have an appointment with the acupuncturist. I haven't been in over a year, but I'm having significant numbness and pain in my hands and wrists again, and it was cured last year in only one visit after I'd suffered with it for several months.

I'm significantly stressed about whether or not I'll receive my Social Security disability check on August 3rd. Obama is saying checks won't go out. If they don't, homelessness will increase exponentially in this country in four to six weeks. And I will be homeless again, too, and have to put everything back in storage if I can find someone to pay the storage fees for me for a while. I shudder at the thought of going back into a homeless shelter, but it's better than the street.

My niece and her husband will be in town next week, as will one of my sisters and her husband. I'm excited about seeing them and visiting with them, but I'm a little nervous and anxious, too, that I won't act right or say the right things.

I was able to spend time with my little six-year-old grand-niece on Sunday and then overnight into Monday. She really lifts my spirits. On Sunday she came so, so close to asking Jesus into her heart, I really thought it was going to be The Day. But then she said she "wanted to do it alone." At one point she asked me, "Why haven't my teachers at church told me all this?" and she also told me that she thought I would have lots of stars in my crown when I get to Heaven! I've been working with her for so long, talking to her about God, and Jesus' death and resurrection, and all the other critical things she needs to know and believe in order to be born again. And blessedly, I'm not the only one working with her; several people are, and many people are praying. So I think it will be soon. And then people on earth and in Heaven will rejoice, and all the angels will sing and dance and rejoice!

"Mistaken" Beliefs

This is from an old therapy questionnaire; these statements are the ones with which I strongly agree. I've been reading back through some of my childhood journals, and I've discovered that most of these statements were true to me even in elementary school.

I feel powerless or helpless.
Often, I feel like a victim of outside circumstances.
I don't have the money to do what I really want.
Life is very difficult -- it's a struggle.
If things are going well -- watch out!
I feel unworthy. I feel that I am not good enough.
Often, I feel that I don't deserve to be successful or happy.
Often, I feel a sense of defeat and resignation: "Why bother?"
My condition seems hopeless.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I feel like I'm nothing unless I'm loved.
If a person I love doesn't love me in return, I feel like it's my fault.
What others think of me is very important.
It's important to please others.
People won't like me if they see who I really am.
I need to keep up a front or others will see my weaknesses.
I have to achieve or produce something significant in order to feel okay about myself.
I have to be the best at what I do.
To fail is terrible.
I can't rely on others for help.
I should always be very generous and unselfish.
I should be able to endure any hardship.
I should always be efficient.
I should always be competent.
I should never be angry or irritable.
I should always be pleasant or nice no matter how I feel.
I often feel ugly.
I often feel inferior or defective.
I often feel guilty or ashamed.
The world outside is a dangerous place.
It's risky to trust people.
I feel anxious about making mistakes.
I demand perfection of myself.
My self-worth isn't a given -- I have to earn it.

I have my better days, maybe even some good days. But it's no mystery why I've only had one real boyfriend, though I did have a few imitations. Never married, no children. There's no wondering why.

Missing My Life

I hate myself. I hate my depression. I hate myself that I'm not strong enough to rise above the depression.

My niece is having a BBQ today to celebrate a dear family member's newly earned United States citizenship. All my local family is there. I had a chance for a ride yesterday and a chance for a ride this morning. And I couldn't make myself go.

I don't know why. Maybe it was anticipating all the people...there was supposed to be a great turn-out of friends. Maybe it's just because I'm worthless. 

I only know that I want to be there so badly. I've either been in bed or crying all day. Or both.

I hate myself.

Small Difference

In May of 2006, my therapist gave me an assignment. She wanted me to make a list of the things I was sad or angry about. I made the list in two sittings, one on May 14 and one on May 27. Following is my list, with about 10 omissions for varying reasons.

1. Mother's death
2. Aunt Ruth's death
3. Bunches' death
4. Rip's death
5. Mave's death
6. Thomas' death
7. Daddy's illness
8. Daddy giving Otis away
9. Having Mother resuscitated the first time
10. Not trying harder to keep her alive
11. The lack of care she got in the hospital
12. Aunt Ruth lingering unnecessarily for 8 days
13. Daddy still talking bad about Mother
14. Having to move out of my house
15. Having to go to work like nothing's happened when the earth has dropped out from under me
16. Normal performance expectations at work; them not realizing what a major accomplishment it is just to get there
17. Mother missed the iris and the bluebonnets this year
18. Not ever being able to have a baby
19. Mother's grave doesn't have a headstone
20. Still working on clearing out Mother's house
21. Having to check on Mother's house then not doing it when I should
22. Missing all my nieces and nephews so much it hurts
23. Daddy listing me as his emergency contact
24. I've never seen Sarah dance
25. I can't go to Sarah's graduation because I've missed so much work due to depression
26. Never having the motivation to write any more
27. Being apathetic about everything
28. There's so much of our history that no one will ever know now that Aunt Ruth and Mother are gone
29. I'll end up like Tante Ruth
30. Mother stressing over her will for so many months because I wouldn't get it done
31. Lack of money
32. Probably having to pay for Daddy's funeral with Mother's money
33. Wanting to go back into the hospital
34. Having to fight so hard against cutting myself when I was in the ER with Daddy
35. Knowing I'll never publish a novel
36. My weight and the never-ending battle
37. My disgusting fat neck and upper arms
38. Not having a man to care about me and hold me
39. Looking like a slob no matter how nice my clothes might be
40. That I never realized what it must have been like for Mother and Aunt Ruth when Nanny died
41. I never got Mother to Switzerland or Hawaii like I promised
42. We don't have a recording of Mother playing "Midnight Fire Alarm"
43. I only remember Mother playing the piano once
44. I owe many many people money
45. My credit is abysmal and I don't see any way out
46. I've the lost the joy in quilting
47. I'll never be the person I was: organized, clear, a good housekeeper, motivated; even though I'm out of that pit of a house, I'm still a slob, still a slug
48. Daddy's still coming up with get-rich-quick schemes
49. Mother would be so upset and angry if she knew I'm spending time and money on Daddy
50. I'm so overwhelmed by everything I'm responsible for -- I can't do everything!
51. I'm constantly involved in negative self-talk
52. I abandoned Daddy and abdicated my responsibility by slicing my arm so I could get back into the hospital

Now it's five years later. Out of these 52 items, only 9 are not true today.

Nothing Much

Wow. It's been a rough week. The depression really did a number on me this week, and I don't know why. I'm taking my medication, nothing bad happened situationally...it's a mystery. Of course, I am having some invasive medical tests on Monday, which I'm definitely NOT looking forward to. And I'm still waiting on test results to find out if lymphoma can be eliminated as a possibility. I'm so doubtful that I have lymphoma, that I'm not really too worried about it. Maybe I should be.

I did manage to get a genealogy research blog set up yesterday, and I set up two Twitter accounts (one personal, one for genealogy alone). And I completed an online grocery order, which is no small task. So I can mark those as accomplishments

My weekly therapist moved to a position on the Crisis Team several weeks ago, so I haven't had a therapist in a while...still waiting to hear who will take her place and when they'll start seeing patients. The clinic is filling two positions, so I don't know...

So here I am, not doing much. I listened to Over the Rhine a little bit today, checked Facebook and Twitter. Now I'm eating microwaved Russet potatoes with margarine and green Tabasco sauce and drinking delightful cold tea: Stash Double Bergamot Earl Grey Black combined with Stash Chai Spice Black...mmm, mmm.

I guess I'll watch a streaming Netflix movie, then go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Distorted Thinking?

The following thoughts and actions are generally considered distorted thinking, but they are an astonishingly accurate view into my brain.

Filtering: I take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.
Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. I have to be perfect or I'm a failure. There is no middle ground.
Overgeneralization: I come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once I expect it to happen over and over again.
Mind Reading:  Without their saying so, I know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, I'm able to determine how people are feeling toward me.
Castastrophizing: I expect disaster. "What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to me?"
Personalization: I think that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to me. I also compare myself to others, seeing that they are smarter, better looking, etc.
Control Fallacies: I'm responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around me.
Blaming: I blame myself for every problem or reversal.
Should: I have a set of ironclad rules about how I should act. I feel guilty if I violate the rules.
Emotional Reasoning: I believe that what I feel must be true. If I feel stupid and boring, then I must be stupid and boring.

Adapted from a behavioral therapy website on retraining thought patterns.

This is a Some Day

Some days I just can't.