Talent of the Silhouettes

Silhouettes "America"

(until 5:40)

A Cage Without a Key

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Need

Source: icanread.tumblr.com

Miscellaneous

I had my first visit with my new therapist today (Tues.). His name is Joe and he's very tall. I've never had a male therapist before, but I think I'll like him. I won't see him next week, but after that I'll be back in therapy weekly. I'm so glad. I've called the on-call therapist many times over the last couple of months. I also saw the psychiatrist today; I'm seeing her every two months. No medication changes.

Thursday I will finally achieve, with the help of my nephew, clearing out my storage unit. I've been going through boxes at the unit two or three days a week for over a month now, so everything that comes into my apartment will be items I know I'm keeping or giving to family members. There are many, many trash bags in storage now, and lots of boxes and items labeled for Goodwill. I still have tomorrow to finish going through things, and then I've reserved a rental truck for Thursday. Unfortunately, I still have belongings in both my sisters' storage units. I don't understand how I accumulated so much junk. It's very oppressive.

Then Friday I have an appointment with the acupuncturist. I haven't been in over a year, but I'm having significant numbness and pain in my hands and wrists again, and it was cured last year in only one visit after I'd suffered with it for several months.

I'm significantly stressed about whether or not I'll receive my Social Security disability check on August 3rd. Obama is saying checks won't go out. If they don't, homelessness will increase exponentially in this country in four to six weeks. And I will be homeless again, too, and have to put everything back in storage if I can find someone to pay the storage fees for me for a while. I shudder at the thought of going back into a homeless shelter, but it's better than the street.

My niece and her husband will be in town next week, as will one of my sisters and her husband. I'm excited about seeing them and visiting with them, but I'm a little nervous and anxious, too, that I won't act right or say the right things.

I was able to spend time with my little six-year-old grand-niece on Sunday and then overnight into Monday. She really lifts my spirits. On Sunday she came so, so close to asking Jesus into her heart, I really thought it was going to be The Day. But then she said she "wanted to do it alone." At one point she asked me, "Why haven't my teachers at church told me all this?" and she also told me that she thought I would have lots of stars in my crown when I get to Heaven! I've been working with her for so long, talking to her about God, and Jesus' death and resurrection, and all the other critical things she needs to know and believe in order to be born again. And blessedly, I'm not the only one working with her; several people are, and many people are praying. So I think it will be soon. And then people on earth and in Heaven will rejoice, and all the angels will sing and dance and rejoice!

Broken

Over the Rhine

Let Go and Let God

Why I Stand with Israel

"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, til her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch." - Isaiah 62:1 

Thanks to John Hagee Ministries for the following truths, to which I have added comments.

1. Genesis 12:3 "And I will bless them that bless thee and curse him that curseth thee; and in thee shall all nations of the earth be blessed." Point: God has promised to bless the man or nation that blesses the Chosen People. History has proven beyond reasonable doubt that the nations that have blessed the Jewish people have had the blessing of God; the nations that have cursed the Jewish people have experienced the curse of God. This is why America will fall, for we have become a nation that stands against Israel!
   
   
2. St. Paul recorded in Romans 15:27 "For if the Gentiles have shared in their (the Jews) spiritual things, they are indebted to minister to them also in material things." Christians owe a debt of eternal gratitude to the Jewish people for their contributions that gave birth to the Christian faith. Jesus Christ, a prominent Rabbi from Nazareth said, "Salvation is of the Jews!" (St. John 4:22) Consider what the Jewish people have given to Christianity:
   1. The Sacred Scripture
   2. The Prophets
   3. The Patriarchs
   4. Mary, Joseph, and Jesus Christ of Nazareth
   5. The Twelve Disciples
   6. The Apostles
   It is not possible to say, "I am a Christian" and not love the Jewish people. The Bible teaches that love is not what you say, but what you do. (1 John 3:18)
   
   
3. While some Christians try to deny the connection between Jesus of Nazareth and the Jews of the world, Jesus never denied his Jewishness. He was born Jewish, He was circumcised on the eighth day in keeping with Jewish tradition, He had his Bar Mitzvah on his 13th birthday, He kept the law of Moses, He wore the Prayer Shawl Moses commanded all Jewish men to wear, He died on a cross with an inscription over His head, "King of the Jews! Jesus considered the Jewish people His family. Jesus said (Matthew 25:40) "Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren (the Jewish people… Gentiles were never called His brethren), ye have done it unto me."
   
   
4. "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, they shall prosper that love thee." (Psalm 122:6) The scriptural principle of prosperity is tied to blessing Israel and the city of Jerusalem. 
   
   
5. Why did Jesus Christ go to the house of Cornelius in Capernaum and heal his servant, who was ready to die? What logic did the Jewish elders use with Jesus to convince Him to come into the house of a Gentile and perform a miracle? The logic they used is recorded in Luke 7:5; "For He loveth our nation, and He hath built us a synagogue." The message? This Gentile deserves the blessing of God because he loves our nation and has done something practical to bless the Jewish people. 
   
   
6. Why did God the Father select the house of Cornelius in Caesarea (Acts Chapter 10) to be the first Gentile house in Israel to receive the Gospel? The answer is given repeatedly in Acts 10.
   Acts 10:2 "A devout man, (Cornelius) and one that feared God with all his house, which gave much alms to the people, and prayed to God always." Who were the people to whom Cornelius gave these alms? They were the Jews
   Again in Acts 10:4 "… thy prayers and thine alms are come up for a memorial before God."
   Again in Acts 10:31 "… and thine alms are had in remembrance in the sight of God."
   The point is made three times in the same chapter. A godly Gentile who expressed his unconditional love for the Jewish people in a practical manner was divinely selected by heaven to be the first Gentile house to receive the Gospel and the first to receive the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
   These combined Scriptures verify that PROSPERITY (Genesis 12:3 and Psalm 122:6), HEALING (Luke 7:1-5) and the OUTPOURING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT came first to Gentiles that blessed the Jewish people and the nation of Israel in a practical manner. 
   
   
7. I support Israel because all other nations were created by an act of men, but Israel was created by an act of God! The Royal Land Grant was given to Abraham and his seed through Isaac and Jacob with an everlasting and unconditional covenant. (Genesis 12:1-3, 13:14-18, 15:1-21, 17:4-8, 22:15-18, 26:1-5 and Psalm 89:28-37.)
   
   

   

See also Rockets into Roses, an artist's use of Kassam rockets shot into Israel.

My Arizona

 Copyright 2011, 2010 Reed Morgan

Smaller Beside the Pond

"I had become so quiet and so small in the grass by the pond that I was barely noticeable, hardly there. I sat there watching their living room shining out of the dark beside the pond. It looked like a fairy-tale functioning happily in the post-World War II gothic of America before television crippled the imagination and turned people indoors and away from living out their own fantasies with dignity. Anyway, I just kept getting smaller and smaller beside the pond, more and more unnoticed in the darkening summer grass until I disappeared into the 32 years that have passed since then."

- Richard Brautigan (So the Wind Won't Blow It All Away)

Chocolate Chinese

Szechwan Pavilion was a great Chinese restaurant; probably still is. Two long buffet lines of entrees, and also lines of salads, desserts, and a soft-serve ice cream machine. Whenever my sister and her family were in town, my mom and I, along with my aunts, uncles, and my cousin Kathleen, would arrange to meet there for a meal. We all loved the food, and we were able to get in maximum quality visiting time. So we ate there every couple of months or so and absolutely enjoyed the vast variety of entrees and other delights.

Then there was that one time. That one memorable time. That time that went down in history...not only my family's history, but the history of Szechwan Pavilion. Yeah, that time. For all I know, school children are now studying about it.

You have to know my family. We all have a quick wit, an easily tickled sense of humor, and the tendency to get out of hand with both. So, as usual, that time in 1994, we were all WAY out of control by the time we finished grazing from the entree buffets and started thinking about the dessert bar.

My 11-year-old nephew and I decided we wanted soft-serve ice cream, so we went together to the end of the dessert bar where the machine and assorted toppings were placed. It was about three yards from the END of the main, double-sided, entree line, which was probably about twelve feet long. The rest of our group was either still at the table or had their backs to us at the dessert bar.

Daniel and I both wanted toppings, so we finessed the machine and put the soft-serve vanilla ice cream in cups. I got my ice cream first, and moved to the side of the counter, next to the hot fudge pump.

You can see it coming, can't you?

My nephew waited while I attempted to work the pump that would anoint my ice cream with hot fudge. He was standing in front of the pump, but a little to the side.

That hot fudge just would NOT come out. So I pushed down harder. And harder. I was so distracted by the humor of the entire dinner that it never occurred to me that the pump was filled with dried and hardened hot fudge. So I put my entire upper body into it and pushed down one last time.

It unplugged.

Faster than the eye could see, hot fudge shot out of the pump. I gasped, my hand flew to my mouth, and I looked up at my poor nephew. He had hot fudge in his hair, dripping from his eyebrows and chin, down the front of his shirt, across his jeans...

I doubled over in gasping laughter. I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop laughing. Even when my stomach and my back started to hurt. Even when I could no longer breathe. Even when I almost vomited. I couldn't stop laughing. Not for a million dollars. I kept looking up at him from my doubled-over, grabbing-onto-the-counter, knees-failing stance.

And Daniel? He just looked at me. Completely deadpan. Hot fudge across his ear, the slogan on his shirt obliterated, he just looked at me. And finally he said, still deadpan, "Thanks. Aunt. Faith."

By now we had drawn a crowd. I looked around and saw about six employees hustling around the very long, double-sided entree bar. My hand flew back to my mouth in horror, and Daniel turned to look. Hot fudge had completely missed the protective plastic shield, shooting down the length of the steam table and somehow managing to add itself to entrees on both sides.

There was hot fudge fried rice, hot fudge chicken chow mein, hot fudge beef and broccoli, hot fudge jalapeno shrimp, hot fudge pot stickers... Everywhere I looked, pans were being pulled out of the steam table and taken to the kitchen. Soon the magnificent entree bar contained just empty holes with water beneath and a few pans of food here and there. It looked so sad.

I almost fell to the floor with laughing. My nephew headed to the restroom, leaving hot fudge in his wake. (Okay. Maybe that part is an exaggeration).

I looked down at my cup of ice cream. Nary a drop of hot fudge on it. Nor on me.

I managed to make my way back to our dining table, only to discover that not a single family member had seen the performance. I tried to tell them, I really did. But I couldn't breathe. Employees were coming by our table just to look at me. Patrons made detours so they could check me out. And a huddle of hungry people had already gathered at the empty steam table. I feared the development of an angry mob.

Finally my nephew returned from the restroom, and I totally lost it again. He apparently had washed his hair (though it was still streaked), washed his face, washed his clothes...and he had a cup of naked ice cream in his hand.

I still say it was the restaurant's fault for not keeping their hot fudge pump clean. And they should have had to pay for Daniel's shirt, which couldn't be salvaged. And they probably should have paid for me to see a doctor, because I surely had internal injuries from laughing. I certainly have never been the same.

So since 1994, our family has called the restaurant Chocolate Chinese. We don't even know what it's really called anymore: I had to Google the hospital across the street and check what was near it to even find out the restaurant's real name in order to write this blog entry. But we met there many, many more times. (Yes, they actually continued to let us in!)

But have I been able to live it down? Oh, no!

Several years later, I took my niece, Sarah, who was at Chocolate Chinese when the incident occurred, to the movie theater. Before the movie started, we bought drinks and popcorn, then headed to the self-serve condiment bar. As I reached up to pump melted butter into our popcorn bucket, she said, "Stop!" Confused, I turned to look as she scampered behind a concrete pillar about ten yards away. Then her eyes peeked around and she called out, "Okay...GO!"

And just two weeks ago, Daniel, now 27, emailed me this link.

Oh, well. I guess sweet memories are made of such as this.

Most People

"Most people are other people.

Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,

their lives a mimicry, 

their passions a quotation."

-Oscar Wilde

"Mistaken" Beliefs

This is from an old therapy questionnaire; these statements are the ones with which I strongly agree. I've been reading back through some of my childhood journals, and I've discovered that most of these statements were true to me even in elementary school.

I feel powerless or helpless.
Often, I feel like a victim of outside circumstances.
I don't have the money to do what I really want.
Life is very difficult -- it's a struggle.
If things are going well -- watch out!
I feel unworthy. I feel that I am not good enough.
Often, I feel that I don't deserve to be successful or happy.
Often, I feel a sense of defeat and resignation: "Why bother?"
My condition seems hopeless.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I feel like I'm nothing unless I'm loved.
If a person I love doesn't love me in return, I feel like it's my fault.
What others think of me is very important.
It's important to please others.
People won't like me if they see who I really am.
I need to keep up a front or others will see my weaknesses.
I have to achieve or produce something significant in order to feel okay about myself.
I have to be the best at what I do.
To fail is terrible.
I can't rely on others for help.
I should always be very generous and unselfish.
I should be able to endure any hardship.
I should always be efficient.
I should always be competent.
I should never be angry or irritable.
I should always be pleasant or nice no matter how I feel.
I often feel ugly.
I often feel inferior or defective.
I often feel guilty or ashamed.
The world outside is a dangerous place.
It's risky to trust people.
I feel anxious about making mistakes.
I demand perfection of myself.
My self-worth isn't a given -- I have to earn it.

I have my better days, maybe even some good days. But it's no mystery why I've only had one real boyfriend, though I did have a few imitations. Never married, no children. There's no wondering why.

Beautiful

Day 30 - Since 1981

"A picture of me with the person I've been closest with the longest."

Me (at 37) and my friend Wu.
We met working in a
hospital dishroom in 1981
and have lived several lifetimes together since.

Day 29 - Dream House

"A picture of my dream house."

A cabin in the woods

with a covered porch

and a fireplace,
in the northern United States.

Day 28 - Shadow Roses

"A picture of my shadow."

Day 27 - My Bedroom

"A picture of my bed or room."

My tee-niny bedroom with

my "camping" air mattress.

(If the camera was a fraction of an inch back,

you'd see both sides of the door frame!)

Day 26 - Neighbors

"A picture of my neighbor."

July 12, 1975

Still at camp. I shouldn't have stayed another week. Danny found a girlfriend...I guess he doesn't like me any more. I know he would have had a lot more fun with Donna if I hadn't been around. More than anything else, I want him to be happy. Even more than I want him, I want him to be happy. And he seems happy with Donna, so that makes it easier to take. When he left Saturday, he hugged me good-bye. He knew I wanted him to, but he also knew it would tear me up. He was still holding me when I started crying. Since I'm going to boarding school in a few weeks, I'll probably never see him again. And after all these years of being together at camp...

(In 1978, I saw Danny again briefly. He was in the chorale at the Bible college he attended, and they came to sing at my Christian boarding school. I was 17. We visited for a while, and it was so great).

I think of you often, and I've tried to find you several times over the years. A little part of my heart will always be yours. Danny, I remember you.

Day 25 - Outer Banks

"A picture of a beach."

"Outer Banks"

This is an as-yet unquilted wall hanging

of a trip I took to North Carolina's Outer Banks.

The photo transfers of the lighthouse and the beach

are pictures I took there,

and the shells in the tulle at the bottom

are shells I picked up at that beach.

Day 24 - Bedbugs

"A picture of the insect I hate the most."

Bedbugs! Eww!

And I'm allergic to them, too!

(Part of my homeless shelter experience extraordinaire).

Lost at Sea

Day 23 - My Bunches

"A picture of my pet."

My precious Bunches

Jan. 1990 - Aug. 2005

I'll always miss you.

Action Rewarded!

Thanks to advocates like you, prostate cancer research at the Department of Defense has been saved! On Wednesday, July 6, an amendment was passed on the House floor to restore the Prostate Cancer Research Program's funding to $80 million, staving off a proposed $16 million cut for fiscal year 2012.

Day 22 - Shades!

"A picture of me in sunglasses."

Me at 49 years

July 8, 1960

Day 21 - Popsicle

"A picture of my favorite popsicle flavor."

Cherry!

Day 20 - Underground River

"A picture of me swimming."

Underground river in Quintana Roo, Mexico,

deep under the Yucatan peninsula.

Photo taken from above ground

through a cenote that provides access

to the cave system.

Day 19 - My Daddy

"A picture of my father."

My daddy, age 14.

Daddy, I remember you.

Day 18 - Family Portrait

"A picture of my family."

Daddy and Mommy, I remember you.

Day 17 - Last Summer

"A picture of last summer."

My grand-nephew/godson, my niece,

and my grand-niece.

Missing My Life

I hate myself. I hate my depression. I hate myself that I'm not strong enough to rise above the depression.

My niece is having a BBQ today to celebrate a dear family member's newly earned United States citizenship. All my local family is there. I had a chance for a ride yesterday and a chance for a ride this morning. And I couldn't make myself go.

I don't know why. Maybe it was anticipating all the people...there was supposed to be a great turn-out of friends. Maybe it's just because I'm worthless. 

I only know that I want to be there so badly. I've either been in bed or crying all day. Or both.

I hate myself.

Day 16 - Journey to Shiloh

"A picture of my favorite movie as a child."

  Journey to Shiloh, 1968

James Caan, Michael Sarrazin,

Paul Peterson, Harrison Ford,

Jan-Michael Vincent, Noah Beery

Day 15 - Archaeology

"A picture of something I want to do before I die."

Participate in an archaeology dig.

Day 14 - Isaac

"A picture of someone I could never imagine my life without."

 My grand-nephew/godson!