Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Sunday, November 11, 2012

11th Hour, 11th Day, 11th Month

In memory of Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Charles Wayne Stratton, MIA Laos, January 3, 1971, to July 5, 2007. DNA determination KIA Savannakhet Province, Laos, January 3, 1971, age 30.

And in everlasting love for and support of his wife and their sons, my playmates, Butch, Scotty, and Stephen.

 
"The Star Spangled Banner"
by
Madison Rising



 Chuck, I remember you.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Jeremiah was a Bull Frog! da DA

His name was Bruce, and he lived across the alley from me. We went to the same elementary school. We were 11 years old.

When I think of Bruce, I see him in a bright yellow button-down shirt and khaki colored pants. (Boys weren't allowed to wear T-shirts and jeans in my school in those days). He had a slight build, bright eyes, and brown hair in a crew cut.

I recall running down the hallway with him after school one day, hoping we'd reach the Exit door before we were caught. We were singing at the top of our lungs: "Jeremiah was a bull frog, da DA, was a good friend of mine, da DA, never understood a single word he said..." About that time, teachers spilled out of classrooms and we slammed out the Exit door, doubled over in laughter.

One morning, toward the end of the school year, I got to class and heard deafening whispers. Bruce was dead. No one knew how or why. Some said he was POISONED. There was going to be an AUTOPSY.

I never heard or learned any more. I don't even remember hearing about a funeral. I think his family moved away. He was gone. The End

But Bruce, I remember you. "Singin' JOY to the world, ALL the boys and girls now; joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, JOY to you and me."

Saturday, May 26, 2012

"Double Depression"

I saw my new psychiatrist this week, and I really like her. I think this will be a good fit.

She asked me how my current meds were working. I floundered a bit, then said, "I've about come to the conclusion that I need to lower my expectations, that I need to accept that I won't ever be the person I used to be."

She said, "You do realize, don't you, that you have dysthymia as well as major depressive order?" I told her that, about a year ago, I noticed dysthymia as a diagnosis on my chart, but when I looked it up, it seemed to be contradictory to the diagnosis of major depressive disorder (dysthymia is defined as "mild, chronic depression;" I certainly knew that what I suffered with most of my life was NOT mild).

"Not at all contradictory," she stated, and she began to explain the impact of having both disorders. "Essentially," she said, "you have double depression." I was astounded. It explained so much. "So, yes, unfortunately," she continued, "you may need to lower the bar."

I've since researched her explanation, and now, dear reader, I will explain it to you. (Sorry, I just had a brief Brontë moment there).

Dysthymia is a chronic, depressed mood that lasts at least two years. Sometimes referred to as a "veil of sadness," this low, dark mood occurs nearly every day and persists for years. Dysthymia often begins in childhood. Since dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for 10 to 20 years before being diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, just who they are.

Symptoms of dysthymia include low self-esteem, a low capacity for pleasure, withdrawal from stressful situations, low energy, overeating, too much or too little sleep, feelings of hopelessness, poor concentration, chronic pain, headaches, and stomach disorders. People with dysthymia usually find little pleasure in regular activities and pastimes.

As time goes by, greater than half of people with dysthymia experience worsening symptoms that lead to the onset of major depressive disorder on top of their chronically depressed mood. This is known as double depression, a serious, potentially life-threatening condition. Double depression is under-recognized and harder to treat than either dysthymia or major depression by themselves.

A small study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that the distinguishing symptom of double depression, as opposed to a major depressive episode or dysthymia alone, seems to be hopelessness. People with double depression have given up on ever recovering from their condition and have a bleak outlook on life. It's difficult to motivate them to have treatment, such as medication and therapy. 

Symptoms of double depression are similar to both dysthymia and major depressive disorder but are greater in degree and impact. Extreme fatigue, feelings of guilt, withdrawal from family situations, delusions, and hallucinations are additional symptoms.

The constant stress causes changes in the brain and the body. Those with double depression are at a higher risk for heart disease, diabetes, and other major medical conditions. Double depression can also worsen other chronic diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes.

So. Now I have a much clearer picture of my depression, and hopefully my family will understand a bit better, as well. I'm always letting them down. I commit to things then cancel at the last minute. I get excited about family visits then back out. I've let down my little great-niece, age 7, so many times (including today), in both minor and major situations, that I worry constantly that she'll only remember me as an irresponsible person that was never there for her.

Guilt, worthlessness, fatigue, guilt, lethargy, hopelessness, guilt (did I mention that already?), withdrawal, self-loathing...

The battle rages on, but I'm a weary soldier.

Sources: WebMd, Mayo Clinic, National Institute of Health, Psych Central, Right Diagnoses, Florida State University, Depression Place, Wikipedia, and eHow.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Broken Girl

Although statistics vary by source, in the United States approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused in their childhood. Approximately 95% know their abuser. That's about 135,500 reported cases. Studies indicate that only 12-20 per cent of such cases are reported, indicating the actual number could be as high as 650,000.

"Broken Girl"
by Matthew West

Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight

 This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl

Let your tears touch the ground
Lay all your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl


This song is for all my friends and family members who have been victims of child sexual abuse. May God restore your childhood. I remember you.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Erased from History

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."  ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Monday, May 2, 2011

Missing in Action

Back in the late 1990s, I received one of those fill-in-the-blank emails intended to enable friends to know each other better. One of the questions I'm sure is now familiar to all: "If you could have dinner with three people, living or dead, who would they be and why?" Being who I am, I immediately typed, "Why would I want to have dinner with dead people?!"

Then my mind flooded with memories, and I deleted my flippant answer. Three people stood out, like lights in the midnight blackness: author Richard Brautigan, because he was a continual inspiration to my creative writing; my PaPa, because I had forgotten the sound of his voice; and my neighbor Chuck, still missing from the Vietnam War, because I wanted him to know that I hadn't forgotten his sacrifice.

The day Chuck's family, and mine, heard the news is still crystal clear in my mind, though I was only ten years old. There was a knock at the front door, and I answered it. It was Chuck's mother-in-law from next door, and she was sobbing. I let her in, then turned as my mother entered the front room from behind me and said, "Go in yonder!"

I fled to the back part of the house. One of my older sisters was in our bedroom, and the oldest one, who knew Chuck's family the best, was in the bathroom. I pounded on the bathroom door and announced the first of what I now call my psychic flashes: "Chuck's been shot down! He's missing!" The bathroom door flew open as my sister pulled up her clothes, and both sisters joined me in the hallway.

"What happened? How do you know?" they demanded. I said, "Mrs. _______ just came over, and she's crying!" My oldest sister asked, "What did she say?" I paused in momentary confusion. "I don't know, she didn't say anything, she's talking to Mommy." "What did you overhear?" she asked. "Nothing," I replied, "I just know." That was when she slapped me.

My sisters may remember this differently; after all, they were older. But in my memory, that's how it happened. It was the one and only time in my life that my sister ever hit me.

After our neighbor left, my mother came to us. "Mrs._______ was just here. Chuck's been shot down. He's missing in action." Both of my sisters slowly turned their heads toward me, their eyes wide. But then we began to cry. Our hearts had taken their first real blow. My mother walked away, not knowing what else to say.

Time went by slowly at first. Both sisters looked at me strangely for a while. I played with Chuck's kids, as usual. But all of us were forever changed. I was finally aware of the war, and I started paying attention to the television coverage. I cried for Chuck's children. The youngest was very young and hardly remembered his father, but he would talk to me about him sometimes. (I remember being told that when Chuck was about to ship out overseas, his youngest child locked all the doors and windows so his daddy couldn't leave).

I wore a POW-MIA bracelet for Chuck for a long time. The bracelet was a metal band, nickle-plated, and about a half-inch wide. It was imprinted with his name, rank, and the date he went missing. That bracelet became as much a part of me and who I am as a wedding ring does to a married woman. I never took it off. My sisters and our friends wore his bracelets, too.

Eventually, the bracelet began irritating my skin, as moisture was always trapped beneath it. I had to take it off, and it was severely corroded inside. So my mother got me a new one and I thoroughly coated the inside of it with clear nail polish so it wouldn't corrode again. But over time, the polish wore off, and I had to have another bracelet. This one I not only coated with clear nail polish, but I also removed it before taking a bath. But taking it off frequently weakened the middle of the band, and ultimately it broke in half right through Chuck's name. (I still have the two pieces, I just don't know where). I don't recall how many years had passed since Chuck went missing when that bracelet broke. And my last bracelet has a place of honor on my living room shelf.

As I got older, I began to babysit Chuck's children. I remember when they told me how to make coffee: half coffee, half milk, and half sugar!

And when Chuck was declared legally dead, I cried again.

As more years went by, I knew that Chuck had only three possible fates: 1) He was now dead; 2) He was a prisoner of war; or 3) He had been a prisoner of war, and it had so changed him that he hadn't come home. I talked about him with new friends. I purchased POW-MIA bumper stickers. I wore POW-MIA pins. I prayed for him and his family. And I never forgot, although our families moved and drifted apart.



Several years ago, I reconnected with Chuck's wife and his youngest child. And now we keep in contact maybe twice a year or so. Chuck's mother is gone, his mother-in-law is gone, and my mother is gone.

Very recently, the unbelievable happened. Chuck's wife received word from the military that the wreckage of Chuck's plane had been found, along with a small amount of human remains. DNA confirmed that the bones were Chuck's. The waiting is over. He had died before we knew he was missing. And I am thankful to God that Chuck never had to endure a prison camp.

This one man, who left his family to die for his country, is part of who I am today. And the interesting thing is, I never met Chuck. He moved his family into the house next door, then left for Vietnam.

But Chuck, I remember you.


(Image from http://woodstockamericanlegionpost1026.org/POWMIA.html)
(For information on the history of POW-MIA bracelets, click here.)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Best Friends

I was scared on my first day of school. I remember walking up the steps, stopping halfway. I looked back at my mother in the car; she smiled and motioned me inside.

My classroom was the first one inside the door on the left. I was in awe of so many children. But my teacher was pretty and nice and treated me like I was gold. And I quickly found my first best friend.

Cindy was a sweet and tender child. Her joy of life was not dimmed by the leukemia she battled. She attended school when possible but was mostly a home-bound student. So I wasn't able to see her and play with her much. But we were best friends, and we reveled in the time we had together.

On her birthday, Cindy and her mother came to class so we could all celebrate together. I hadn't seen Cindy in a very long time. The teacher said that Cindy had to have extra shots so she could be around all of us. It made me sad that she had to endure pain just to see her friends.

But her mother had brought a beautiful cake with mounds of chocolate icing. I was so excited: chocolate was my favorite. I hopped from one foot to the other in anticipation. I was the first one in line for my share of the cake with the luscious chocolate frosting.

When Cindy handed me my plate, I took the biggest bite of cake that my mouth could hold. And gagged. The icing wasn't chocolate. It was licorice.

When Cindy died, my mother clipped her obituary from the newspaper. I still have it. Her photo is grainy and unclear, but it's my Cindy.

From the clipping, I know that she experienced exciting events in her short life. She toured Washington, D.C., as a guest of two members of the House of Representatives. She was also an on-stage guest of television stars Carol Burnett and Gomer Pyle during a live performance. And she was named Junior Queen at the local hospital during National Hospital Week.

I've thought of Cindy often throughout the years. I remember that she was always smiling, even when she wasn't well. And I remember that connection I felt, when Cindy became my first best friend. Many times I thought about putting flowers and a note on her grave, but I never did. And now she's far away.

And I suppose I've recounted all this to say one simple thing: Cindy, I remember you.