Small Difference

In May of 2006, my therapist gave me an assignment. She wanted me to make a list of the things I was sad or angry about. I made the list in two sittings, one on May 14 and one on May 27. Following is my list, with about 10 omissions for varying reasons.

1. Mother's death
2. Aunt Ruth's death
3. Bunches' death
4. Rip's death
5. Mave's death
6. Thomas' death
7. Daddy's illness
8. Daddy giving Otis away
9. Having Mother resuscitated the first time
10. Not trying harder to keep her alive
11. The lack of care she got in the hospital
12. Aunt Ruth lingering unnecessarily for 8 days
13. Daddy still talking bad about Mother
14. Having to move out of my house
15. Having to go to work like nothing's happened when the earth has dropped out from under me
16. Normal performance expectations at work; them not realizing what a major accomplishment it is just to get there
17. Mother missed the iris and the bluebonnets this year
18. Not ever being able to have a baby
19. Mother's grave doesn't have a headstone
20. Still working on clearing out Mother's house
21. Having to check on Mother's house then not doing it when I should
22. Missing all my nieces and nephews so much it hurts
23. Daddy listing me as his emergency contact
24. I've never seen Sarah dance
25. I can't go to Sarah's graduation because I've missed so much work due to depression
26. Never having the motivation to write any more
27. Being apathetic about everything
28. There's so much of our history that no one will ever know now that Aunt Ruth and Mother are gone
29. I'll end up like Tante Ruth
30. Mother stressing over her will for so many months because I wouldn't get it done
31. Lack of money
32. Probably having to pay for Daddy's funeral with Mother's money
33. Wanting to go back into the hospital
34. Having to fight so hard against cutting myself when I was in the ER with Daddy
35. Knowing I'll never publish a novel
36. My weight and the never-ending battle
37. My disgusting fat neck and upper arms
38. Not having a man to care about me and hold me
39. Looking like a slob no matter how nice my clothes might be
40. That I never realized what it must have been like for Mother and Aunt Ruth when Nanny died
41. I never got Mother to Switzerland or Hawaii like I promised
42. We don't have a recording of Mother playing "Midnight Fire Alarm"
43. I only remember Mother playing the piano once
44. I owe many many people money
45. My credit is abysmal and I don't see any way out
46. I've the lost the joy in quilting
47. I'll never be the person I was: organized, clear, a good housekeeper, motivated; even though I'm out of that pit of a house, I'm still a slob, still a slug
48. Daddy's still coming up with get-rich-quick schemes
49. Mother would be so upset and angry if she knew I'm spending time and money on Daddy
50. I'm so overwhelmed by everything I'm responsible for -- I can't do everything!
51. I'm constantly involved in negative self-talk
52. I abandoned Daddy and abdicated my responsibility by slicing my arm so I could get back into the hospital

Now it's five years later. Out of these 52 items, only 9 are not true today.