Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I Had a Daddy

"I had a daddy, didn't I? He wasn't perfect and he certainly wasn't the one I'd dreamed he would have been, but I had one all the same. And I'd loved him as much as I'd hated him, hadn't I? All that distance, all that time wasted, but the fact that he'd inspired such passion in me meant something in itself. I can honestly say now that I think that's special. Screwed up and turned inside out, we were special, him and me, and I am so thankful that I can say that I had a daddy and that he mattered. All his faults and failures mean nothing to me now.” ~ Melodie Ramone, After Forever Ends


Happy Heavenly Birthday and Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
I remember you.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love."  - Washington Irving

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Friday, February 3, 2012

Erased from History

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."  ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Address in the Stars

Today is the 6th anniversary of my Mother's death. Although I function better these days, my grief over her loss is pervasive and continuous. I know she wasn't perfect. I know that some of her faults were great. Not all my memories are good ones.

But, as I've said before, I discovered after she was gone that she was my reference point. When she died, I lost my identity. It had been just the two of us for nineteen years, and she lived with me the last five. And most of that last five, I was her caregiver.

She's part of me, beyond the fact that she gave birth to me. I miss her every day. I start to call her several times a week. And every day, I'm mired in guilt.

I know she's in Heaven. I know we'll be reunited. If I didn't have that certainty, I wouldn't have gone on without her.

"Address in the Stars"
by Caitlin and Will
 
  I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breathe
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that ain't nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you every day
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
All I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

Dearest Mother, I remember you.

Addendum: Right now, at 1:00 p.m. CST, I'm right back in that hospital room in ICU, holding her hand and sobbing my heart out. Family surrounds me. Mother's already been unconscious for 5 hours due to the morphine drip. Every conversation, every word we shared during the night is cycling through my mind. The last thing I said to her this morning before she fell asleep is, "I won't leave you!" And I guess I never have.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Endless Grief

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." -C.S. Lewis

Monday, May 2, 2011

Missing in Action

Back in the late 1990s, I received one of those fill-in-the-blank emails intended to enable friends to know each other better. One of the questions I'm sure is now familiar to all: "If you could have dinner with three people, living or dead, who would they be and why?" Being who I am, I immediately typed, "Why would I want to have dinner with dead people?!"

Then my mind flooded with memories, and I deleted my flippant answer. Three people stood out, like lights in the midnight blackness: author Richard Brautigan, because he was a continual inspiration to my creative writing; my PaPa, because I had forgotten the sound of his voice; and my neighbor Chuck, still missing from the Vietnam War, because I wanted him to know that I hadn't forgotten his sacrifice.

The day Chuck's family, and mine, heard the news is still crystal clear in my mind, though I was only ten years old. There was a knock at the front door, and I answered it. It was Chuck's mother-in-law from next door, and she was sobbing. I let her in, then turned as my mother entered the front room from behind me and said, "Go in yonder!"

I fled to the back part of the house. One of my older sisters was in our bedroom, and the oldest one, who knew Chuck's family the best, was in the bathroom. I pounded on the bathroom door and announced the first of what I now call my psychic flashes: "Chuck's been shot down! He's missing!" The bathroom door flew open as my sister pulled up her clothes, and both sisters joined me in the hallway.

"What happened? How do you know?" they demanded. I said, "Mrs. _______ just came over, and she's crying!" My oldest sister asked, "What did she say?" I paused in momentary confusion. "I don't know, she didn't say anything, she's talking to Mommy." "What did you overhear?" she asked. "Nothing," I replied, "I just know." That was when she slapped me.

My sisters may remember this differently; after all, they were older. But in my memory, that's how it happened. It was the one and only time in my life that my sister ever hit me.

After our neighbor left, my mother came to us. "Mrs._______ was just here. Chuck's been shot down. He's missing in action." Both of my sisters slowly turned their heads toward me, their eyes wide. But then we began to cry. Our hearts had taken their first real blow. My mother walked away, not knowing what else to say.

Time went by slowly at first. Both sisters looked at me strangely for a while. I played with Chuck's kids, as usual. But all of us were forever changed. I was finally aware of the war, and I started paying attention to the television coverage. I cried for Chuck's children. The youngest was very young and hardly remembered his father, but he would talk to me about him sometimes. (I remember being told that when Chuck was about to ship out overseas, his youngest child locked all the doors and windows so his daddy couldn't leave).

I wore a POW-MIA bracelet for Chuck for a long time. The bracelet was a metal band, nickle-plated, and about a half-inch wide. It was imprinted with his name, rank, and the date he went missing. That bracelet became as much a part of me and who I am as a wedding ring does to a married woman. I never took it off. My sisters and our friends wore his bracelets, too.

Eventually, the bracelet began irritating my skin, as moisture was always trapped beneath it. I had to take it off, and it was severely corroded inside. So my mother got me a new one and I thoroughly coated the inside of it with clear nail polish so it wouldn't corrode again. But over time, the polish wore off, and I had to have another bracelet. This one I not only coated with clear nail polish, but I also removed it before taking a bath. But taking it off frequently weakened the middle of the band, and ultimately it broke in half right through Chuck's name. (I still have the two pieces, I just don't know where). I don't recall how many years had passed since Chuck went missing when that bracelet broke. And my last bracelet has a place of honor on my living room shelf.

As I got older, I began to babysit Chuck's children. I remember when they told me how to make coffee: half coffee, half milk, and half sugar!

And when Chuck was declared legally dead, I cried again.

As more years went by, I knew that Chuck had only three possible fates: 1) He was now dead; 2) He was a prisoner of war; or 3) He had been a prisoner of war, and it had so changed him that he hadn't come home. I talked about him with new friends. I purchased POW-MIA bumper stickers. I wore POW-MIA pins. I prayed for him and his family. And I never forgot, although our families moved and drifted apart.



Several years ago, I reconnected with Chuck's wife and his youngest child. And now we keep in contact maybe twice a year or so. Chuck's mother is gone, his mother-in-law is gone, and my mother is gone.

Very recently, the unbelievable happened. Chuck's wife received word from the military that the wreckage of Chuck's plane had been found, along with a small amount of human remains. DNA confirmed that the bones were Chuck's. The waiting is over. He had died before we knew he was missing. And I am thankful to God that Chuck never had to endure a prison camp.

This one man, who left his family to die for his country, is part of who I am today. And the interesting thing is, I never met Chuck. He moved his family into the house next door, then left for Vietnam.

But Chuck, I remember you.


(Image from http://woodstockamericanlegionpost1026.org/POWMIA.html)
(For information on the history of POW-MIA bracelets, click here.)