June 13, 2006

On this day in 2006 I had been released from the psychiatric hospital and was in an intensive group day therapy program that was six weeks long. Our assignment was to write a letter to a loved one, and we were given a list of writing prompts that must be included. Everyone in the class wrote their letter to a loved one who had passed away. This is my letter. I have excluded portions of the letter for personal reasons.

06/13/2006

Dear Daddy,

You've already been gone 5 days -- how can that be possible? I still haven't stopped by the funeral home to sign the cremation order - not that they need my signature to proceed, but they prefer that we all sign.

Soon, very soon, we'll have to decide what to do with your ashes. I'd like to scatter them but where? I thought about burying them deep below the historical marker on your Grace Chapel, or scatter them on the back of the property. God knows your heart and soul was in that place.

I remember the way you told jokes. Wow - you could really tell 'em! Remember the one where different people would stand up and say a number? "Some can tell 'em, some can't!"

I remember when we went on road trips every summer, 3 or 4 weeks, because you'd combine your vacation days with July 4th holiday. I got tired of having my birthday in a different state every year, but as a young adult I finally realized how special that was. You and Mother got us to the 48 contiguous states as you planned, and you made history live for me -- what a gift!

The clearest memory I have of you is at the campsite in Dumas after witnessing the two accidents. We were all "slap-happy," you cracked a joke, and I spewed milk all over you. It was rolling down your balding head and dripping off that nose and you were laughing so hard you could barely breathe. I wish I had more memories like that.

I always wanted to tell you that I admired your quick wit. I wish I had told you that the best and the worst of me came from you. I wish you had told me why your marriage to my mother went so awry -- your part in it, not hers. You would always start sentences with "Your mother..." I wish I had known why you two went into yelling fits every night -- all I know is that I have to keep peace at all costs...did I try to do that even then?

I felt the most love from you when you set your life aside for me after I broke my foot so badly and you ferried me to and from work and saw to it that I had transportation whenever and wherever I needed. And you did that for almost a year. You were never once late.

I wish I had gotten to know the man you became: Chaplain Catfish, a generous man who helped people and turned lives around. I accept now that you couldn't be the perfect father or the perfect husband or the perfect pastor, because you're human and a sinner just like the rest of us. I also understand that you weren't the man you wanted to be, either, but you kept trying, kept praying, kept doing your part.

The last time I saw you, you were dying, but you could hear me, I know you could, 'cause you squeezed my hand when I asked you to. I asked your forgiveness for abandoning you the last weeks of your life and for keeping us estranged for so many years. I told you I forgave you for everything you did against me and my mother, real, exaggerated, or imagined on our part. I told you I'd miss you, I held your hand some more. I lay my head on your bed and sang to you for almost 2 hours, I think. You couldn't squeeze my hand anymore. Then you were surrounded by family and friends when you stopped breathing and your heart stopped beating at 4:53 p.m. on Thursday, June 8. When I knew you were gone, I wondered if you were seeing Mother again, and if God had to give you mansions on opposite sides of Heaven.

At your funeral I took your hand and kissed your forehead, and you were so cold. I became a little child again, crying for her daddy. And since you've been gone, I've felt an ache that caught me by surprise. I miss your laugh, and the love you showed for Sharon, and the fire in your eyes when you came up with another plan to make millions and save the world.

When I think of you now it's with happiness that you gave yourself as a vessel for God's work. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I thank you for the times you were there for me. And most of all, I want you to know that I believe this world to be a better place because you lived.

Love,
your baby girl

Daddy, I remember you.

Plan of Salvation

The Bible says there is only one way to Heaven. 
Jesus said: "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by me." (John 14:6)

 

Good works cannot save you. 

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9

Trust Jesus Christ today! Here's what you must do:
 

Admit you are a sinner.  
"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" (Romans 3:23) 

"Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:" (Romans 5:12) 

"If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." (1 John 1:10)

Be willing to turn from sin (repent).
Jesus said: "I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish." (Luke 13:5)  

"And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent:" (Acts 17:30)

Believe that Jesus Christ died for you, was buried, and rose from the dead.  
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)  

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners. Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)  

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved." (Romans 10:9)

Through prayer, invite Jesus into your life to become your personal Saviour. 
"For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." (Romans 10:10)  

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13)
 

What to pray: Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood and died for my sin. I am willing to turn from sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Saviour.

"But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:" (John 1:12)
 

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Thank you to Chick Publications.

Daddy's Heavenly Birthday

"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~ Gloria Naylor

Remembering my daddy on his 5th Heavenly birthday. I miss you. Here's a nice rendition of "How Great Thou Art," but no one could ever sing it as dynamically and beautifully as you!

As We Are

Small Difference

In May of 2006, my therapist gave me an assignment. She wanted me to make a list of the things I was sad or angry about. I made the list in two sittings, one on May 14 and one on May 27. Following is my list, with about 10 omissions for varying reasons.

1. Mother's death
2. Aunt Ruth's death
3. Bunches' death
4. Rip's death
5. Mave's death
6. Thomas' death
7. Daddy's illness
8. Daddy giving Otis away
9. Having Mother resuscitated the first time
10. Not trying harder to keep her alive
11. The lack of care she got in the hospital
12. Aunt Ruth lingering unnecessarily for 8 days
13. Daddy still talking bad about Mother
14. Having to move out of my house
15. Having to go to work like nothing's happened when the earth has dropped out from under me
16. Normal performance expectations at work; them not realizing what a major accomplishment it is just to get there
17. Mother missed the iris and the bluebonnets this year
18. Not ever being able to have a baby
19. Mother's grave doesn't have a headstone
20. Still working on clearing out Mother's house
21. Having to check on Mother's house then not doing it when I should
22. Missing all my nieces and nephews so much it hurts
23. Daddy listing me as his emergency contact
24. I've never seen Sarah dance
25. I can't go to Sarah's graduation because I've missed so much work due to depression
26. Never having the motivation to write any more
27. Being apathetic about everything
28. There's so much of our history that no one will ever know now that Aunt Ruth and Mother are gone
29. I'll end up like Tante Ruth
30. Mother stressing over her will for so many months because I wouldn't get it done
31. Lack of money
32. Probably having to pay for Daddy's funeral with Mother's money
33. Wanting to go back into the hospital
34. Having to fight so hard against cutting myself when I was in the ER with Daddy
35. Knowing I'll never publish a novel
36. My weight and the never-ending battle
37. My disgusting fat neck and upper arms
38. Not having a man to care about me and hold me
39. Looking like a slob no matter how nice my clothes might be
40. That I never realized what it must have been like for Mother and Aunt Ruth when Nanny died
41. I never got Mother to Switzerland or Hawaii like I promised
42. We don't have a recording of Mother playing "Midnight Fire Alarm"
43. I only remember Mother playing the piano once
44. I owe many many people money
45. My credit is abysmal and I don't see any way out
46. I've the lost the joy in quilting
47. I'll never be the person I was: organized, clear, a good housekeeper, motivated; even though I'm out of that pit of a house, I'm still a slob, still a slug
48. Daddy's still coming up with get-rich-quick schemes
49. Mother would be so upset and angry if she knew I'm spending time and money on Daddy
50. I'm so overwhelmed by everything I'm responsible for -- I can't do everything!
51. I'm constantly involved in negative self-talk
52. I abandoned Daddy and abdicated my responsibility by slicing my arm so I could get back into the hospital

Now it's five years later. Out of these 52 items, only 9 are not true today.

Cherokee Morning Song

Images are from several tribes. Singers unknown.

ABCs of Me

A - Age: 50
B - Bed size: Don't have a bed
C - Chore I hate: Cooking
D - Dog's name: Don't have a dog anymore
E - Essential "Start My Day" item: glass of milk
F - Favorite color: Red
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5' 6"
I - Instruments I play: None
J - Job title: None
K - Kids: None
L - Liquor, Beer or Wine: None
M - Mom's name: Lydia
N - Nicknames: None
O - Outie or Innie: Innie
P - Pet Peeve: Infidelity

Q - Quote from a movie: From "Personal Effects" w/Ashton Kutcher: "All this is more about waiting for someone you know will never come back. About that time spent waiting. And the people you meet in the waiting room."

R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: two sisters
T- Time to get up: 11:00 a.m.
U - Underwear: What about it?
V - Vegetable I dislike: eggplant, turnips

W - What makes me run late: Usually, not really wanting to go. Also, I HATE waiting.

X -Xrays I've had: dental, wrist, foot, leg, head
Y - Yummy food I make: Fruit Pizza
Z - Zoo favorite: anything that lives in the water or swims

Lydia's Jiffy Toffee

The original source of this recipe is long since lost, but my mother made it every Christmas. Often it was gifted, and occasionally we even had some! It's a tradition in our family, and I'm sharing it with you.

Ingredients:
1 stick margarine
3/4 cup light brown sugar
~3/4 cup chopped pecans
1 - 6 oz package semi-sweet chocolate chips

1) Add the brown sugar and margarine to a sauce pan (preferably copper-bottomed).

2) Use the margarine wrapper to grease the bottom and sides of a disposable 8"sq pan. Sprinkle the chopped pecans evenly over the bottom of the pan.

3) Using a candy thermometer and a wooden spoon*, heat the brown sugar and margarine over medium-low heat to 270-280 degrees F, stirring almost constantly to prevent burning. (*The wooden spoon may or may not make any difference, it's just the way it's always been done within the family.)

4) Once the candy has reached temperature, "fallen", and appears to be close to the correct toffee color, pour immediately over the pecans in the pan. Use the back of the spoon to quickly spread the candy as much and as evenly as possible over the pecans.

5) Immediately sprinkle the chocolate chips over the candy. Once they have started to melt, use a spatula to spread the chocolate as much and as evenly as possible. (Do not add more chips after the first have started to melt, as this will cause the chocolate to set differently in places, changing the appearance and taste somewhat.)

6) Let cool completely, then pop the toffee sheet out of the pan and break into small pieces.

7) Enjoy!

Nothing Much

Wow. It's been a rough week. The depression really did a number on me this week, and I don't know why. I'm taking my medication, nothing bad happened situationally...it's a mystery. Of course, I am having some invasive medical tests on Monday, which I'm definitely NOT looking forward to. And I'm still waiting on test results to find out if lymphoma can be eliminated as a possibility. I'm so doubtful that I have lymphoma, that I'm not really too worried about it. Maybe I should be.

I did manage to get a genealogy research blog set up yesterday, and I set up two Twitter accounts (one personal, one for genealogy alone). And I completed an online grocery order, which is no small task. So I can mark those as accomplishments

My weekly therapist moved to a position on the Crisis Team several weeks ago, so I haven't had a therapist in a while...still waiting to hear who will take her place and when they'll start seeing patients. The clinic is filling two positions, so I don't know...

So here I am, not doing much. I listened to Over the Rhine a little bit today, checked Facebook and Twitter. Now I'm eating microwaved Russet potatoes with margarine and green Tabasco sauce and drinking delightful cold tea: Stash Double Bergamot Earl Grey Black combined with Stash Chai Spice Black...mmm, mmm.

I guess I'll watch a streaming Netflix movie, then go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Prostate Cancer - June 3!

http://capwiz.com/zerocancer/issues/alert/?alertid=47861506

It's time to go to this link and send emails again, this time to our senators, by JUNE 3. Just fill in the blanks and the ZERO project will do the rest, including routing to the appropriate senators. If you want to add personal information to the email, please do so...letters with personal reasons to support the cause always have more impact. Here's the personal info (with some statistics) that I added to the form letter email:

"My father died of prostate cancer, as did my sister's father-in-law. One in every 6 men get prostate cancer at some time in their lives.

"Compared with men who have no family history of the disease, men with a father or brother who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer have more than twice the risk of getting prostate cancer themselves. Men with two or more relatives have about 5 times the risk. Men with three or more relatives are almost guaranteed to get prostate cancer.

"So my sister's husband has more than twice the risk of prostate cancer, and my sister's sons, having had both grandfathers die of prostate cancer, have five times the risk.

"Prostate cancer kills over 30,000 men per year and is the 2nd leading cause of male cancer-related death in the United States.

"I come from a family who has served in the Armed Forces throughout history. Recent research shows that active duty servicemen have an increased risk of getting prostate cancer compared to their civilian counterparts."

Please send an email today! ZERO will route to the appropriate senators.