Saturday, May 7, 2011

Call Your Parents!

I picked up the phone today to call my Mother. I do that often. But when I start to punch the number, it hits me, and the tears always come.

I miss the sound of her voice. I miss her laugh. Just as I miss my Daddy's laugh and the resonance of his voice when he sang. Especially when he sang "How Great Thou Art."

Yes, I knew they wouldn't live forever. But I didn't really KNOW. And the sounds of their voices are fading.

So call your parents. Let them hear your voice. Maybe you'll get to hear theirs. You don't have to have a long conversation. Even if you just leave a voice mail, "thinking about you; I'm doing okay."

It just takes a few minutes every once in a while. YOU ARE NOT THAT BUSY. And a text is not the same!

I guarantee you'll have less regrets later. Because even tomorrow is not a certainty.

Oh, and have your children call them, too.
(Written November 16, 2009)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Abstinence, Monogamy, Condoms

My first contact with Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, known world-wide as AIDS, was while I was a Dietetic Intern at a large teaching hospital. I was beginning my Clinical Semester, assigned a  rotation in the Infectious Disease Isolation Unit.

AIDS had first been clinically diagnosed in late 1980 to early 1981. A recent college graduate beginning a career in the health care field, I was well educated regarding AIDS. I knew that it wasn't airborne. I knew it couldn't be contracted through casual contact. I knew that as a health care worker, I was much more likely to get one of the hepatitis infections than I was to get AIDS.

I did not know about Human Immunodeficiency Virus, or HIV, because no one did. It wasn't isolated until 1983. There was no screening process, no treatment. So by the time someone was diagnosed, their condition was terminal.

Our AIDS patients in the hospital were kept in isolation for their own protection, because they were so susceptible to opportunistic infections. I was visiting these patients to help them with menu selections, to special order virtually anything they thought they might be able to eat, and to pad their diets with fat and calories. 

I remember knocking on the door of the first room. I'll admit I was trepidatious. I heard a feeble voice say "Come in" and I opened the door.

I thought I was prepared. I wasn't. I've reflected on that moment many times over the years, and I can only hope that the shock didn't show on my face.

The young man sitting on the side of the bed reminded me of photographs I'd seen of Auschwitz prisoners. He was emaciated and weak. He could barely lift his eyes to mine as I entered the room. But those eyes reflected immeasurable gratitude when I sat down with him on the side of his bed. I've long since forgotten his name, but his face I remember.

I worked with the AIDS patients for several days, until I was moved on to a different unit. He didn't survive my assignment.

I soon learned about HIV, and that it doesn't survive outside the body except under stringent laboratory conditions. And I quickly learned that it wasn't a "gay disease." Anyone can be exposed through sexual contact, shared needles, and blood transfusions received before the ability to screen donors and blood products for HIV.

The Centers for Disease Control estimate that more than one million people in the United States are living with HIV and that one in five are unaware of it. An estimated 56,300 people become infected with HIV in the United States every year. And more than 18,000 people in our country still die from AIDS every year.

I strongly support abstinence outside of lifetime monogamous marriage. I also believe that sex education for the prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, especially HIV, is critical.

But sex outside marriage is a reality, and indiscriminate sex is a reality. However, it does not deserve the death penalty. I do NOT support Planned Parenthood because of their abortion practices, but I can appreciate the fact that they provide condoms. Even the shelter I lived in kept a large bowl of condoms on the counter, free for anyone. That's a good thing.

I love the show "Designing Women," and I wish it was still on television. One episode in particular sticks in my mind: Mary Jo speaking to the PTA on the subject of AIDS and condoms. The episode aired in 1987, and you can watch an excerpt from it here. Fast forward to 3:40 minutes to watch the pertinent portion of the clip.

I also recommend the movie "Something to Live For: The Alison Gertz Story" with Molly Ringwald, released in 1992.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Call to Action

One in every 6 men get prostate cancer at some time in their lives.

Compared with men who have no family history of the disease, men with a father or brother who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer have more than twice the risk of being diagnosed. Men with two or more relatives have about five times the risk. Men with three or more relatives are almost guaranteed to get prostate cancer.

My father died of prostate cancer, as did my sister's father-in-law. So my sister's husband has more than twice the risk of prostate cancer, and my sister's sons, having had both grandfathers die of prostate cancer, have five times the risk.

Military men have a greater incidence of prostate cancer, as do African-Americans and smokers.

Please notify your Representative that you support continued funding of the DOD's Prostate Cancer Research Program. If you go to this link, www.capwiz.com/zerocancer/issues/alert/?alertid=44301501, you can simply fill in the blanks, and the ZERO Project to End Prostate Cancer will email the letter to your Representative.

A personal hand-written letter is more effective. If you are willing to send a hand-written letter, go to www.house.gov/zip/ZIP2Rep.html if you need to find out who your Representative is; you'll need your zip code+4. (If you don't know the +4, they'll redirect you to the post office to find out, then you can click your Back button). Then click the link at the top of the ZERO page that says "Capitol Hill Basics" to review the brief statements about addressing letters to Congress.

Whether by email or by letter, including the "why" of requesting their support will add weight to your plea.

They must receive your email or letter by May 13.

Thank you SO MUCH!

(Statistics courtesy of ZERO Project to End Prostate Cancer)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Damn the Torpedoes!

I've been working today on the sidebars of my blog page. I knew I had eclectic tastes, but I never realized to what degree. So far, it's evident in every list I've started.

This afternoon, I began adding YouTube links of "Songs I Love." And I had to make some decisions.

I started this blog for several reasons. One is that sometimes I'm emotionally unable to face actually writing in a journal. But I type very fast.

Another is that it's therapy.

And I want my friends and family to know who I am, especially those who didn't know me before depression consumed my very essence.

I want to find the pieces of who I used to be.

And I want to discover who I am now. When I lost my mother, I lost my point of reference; it had been just her and me for 19 years. Soon after her loss came my infamous year in a homeless shelter. I had no identity. My psyche was wandering aimlessly in small circles inside a vast empty room.

Mostly, I just want to be remembered. In 1998, I was using the List Yourself journal, and I came to the page that said "List the epitaphs you might like on your tombstone." I gave it much thought but could only come up with one: "She mattered."

I had to decide. How much of myself am I truly willing to reveal? This blog is public. I posted it on Facebook. I sent emails to my family and friends. And I truly do want everyone to read it.

As young children, we learn the importance of disguise. We learn to be judicious in what we reveal. We learn to conform the pieces of who we are to fit the expectations of our current audience. Most people fully reveal themselves to only one or two others in their entire lives. Many people never fully reveal themselves to anyone.

I'm the peacemaker. I'll do anything I can to prevent discord in and with those around me. And my self-image and my happiness have always rested on the approval of others. So I categorize. I learn what a person considers acceptable and I make every effort to keep myself within those boundaries in all my interactions with that person. Or group. Or situation.

Sometimes I slip up. It may be an accident, or transient apathy, or a medication blip (that's a technical term!), or simply poor judgement at the moment. And when I slip up, there have always been negative consequences. Which teaches me how I need to modify my behavior.

After stewing about it all day, I made my decision. On this blog, I will say and do what I really think and feel. Because that's who I am. Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead!

I Can Only Dream . . .


Hi - Hi! We're your Weather Girls - Ah-huh -
And have we got news for you - You better listen!
Get ready, all you lonely girls
and leave those umbrellas at home. - Alright! -

Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Every Specimen!
Tall, blonde, dark and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Ame---------nnnn!

I feel stormy weather / Moving in about to begin
Hear the thunder / Don't you lose your head
Rip off the roof and stay in bed

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's Raining Men! Yeah!

Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! 

Written by Paul Shaffer and Paul F. Jabara

My Transportation List

"List all the modes of transportation you've taken."

taxi, car, pickup truck, van, 4-wheel drive, 3-wheeler, passenger snowmobile, rowboat, canoe, motor boat, tricycle, bicycle with training wheels, bicycle, city bus, Greyhound bus, tour bus, helicopter, 2-seater plane, 12 seater company plane, many types of jets, paddle boat, motorcycle, 32' moving truck, tour train, tram, touring boat, amphibious vehicle, air boat, cruise ship, glass-bottomed boat, ferry, subway, elevated train, monorail, horse, mule, Shetland pony, horse-drawn buggy, trolley, streetcar, golf cart, ambulance, roller skates, little red wagon, my mother's arms, my daddy's shoulders, my uncle's feet, and dragged down the street by my dog!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Missing in Action

Back in the late 1990s, I received one of those fill-in-the-blank emails intended to enable friends to know each other better. One of the questions I'm sure is now familiar to all: "If you could have dinner with three people, living or dead, who would they be and why?" Being who I am, I immediately typed, "Why would I want to have dinner with dead people?!"

Then my mind flooded with memories, and I deleted my flippant answer. Three people stood out, like lights in the midnight blackness: author Richard Brautigan, because he was a continual inspiration to my creative writing; my PaPa, because I had forgotten the sound of his voice; and my neighbor Chuck, still missing from the Vietnam War, because I wanted him to know that I hadn't forgotten his sacrifice.

The day Chuck's family, and mine, heard the news is still crystal clear in my mind, though I was only ten years old. There was a knock at the front door, and I answered it. It was Chuck's mother-in-law from next door, and she was sobbing. I let her in, then turned as my mother entered the front room from behind me and said, "Go in yonder!"

I fled to the back part of the house. One of my older sisters was in our bedroom, and the oldest one, who knew Chuck's family the best, was in the bathroom. I pounded on the bathroom door and announced the first of what I now call my psychic flashes: "Chuck's been shot down! He's missing!" The bathroom door flew open as my sister pulled up her clothes, and both sisters joined me in the hallway.

"What happened? How do you know?" they demanded. I said, "Mrs. _______ just came over, and she's crying!" My oldest sister asked, "What did she say?" I paused in momentary confusion. "I don't know, she didn't say anything, she's talking to Mommy." "What did you overhear?" she asked. "Nothing," I replied, "I just know." That was when she slapped me.

My sisters may remember this differently; after all, they were older. But in my memory, that's how it happened. It was the one and only time in my life that my sister ever hit me.

After our neighbor left, my mother came to us. "Mrs._______ was just here. Chuck's been shot down. He's missing in action." Both of my sisters slowly turned their heads toward me, their eyes wide. But then we began to cry. Our hearts had taken their first real blow. My mother walked away, not knowing what else to say.

Time went by slowly at first. Both sisters looked at me strangely for a while. I played with Chuck's kids, as usual. But all of us were forever changed. I was finally aware of the war, and I started paying attention to the television coverage. I cried for Chuck's children. The youngest was very young and hardly remembered his father, but he would talk to me about him sometimes. (I remember being told that when Chuck was about to ship out overseas, his youngest child locked all the doors and windows so his daddy couldn't leave).

I wore a POW-MIA bracelet for Chuck for a long time. The bracelet was a metal band, nickle-plated, and about a half-inch wide. It was imprinted with his name, rank, and the date he went missing. That bracelet became as much a part of me and who I am as a wedding ring does to a married woman. I never took it off. My sisters and our friends wore his bracelets, too.

Eventually, the bracelet began irritating my skin, as moisture was always trapped beneath it. I had to take it off, and it was severely corroded inside. So my mother got me a new one and I thoroughly coated the inside of it with clear nail polish so it wouldn't corrode again. But over time, the polish wore off, and I had to have another bracelet. This one I not only coated with clear nail polish, but I also removed it before taking a bath. But taking it off frequently weakened the middle of the band, and ultimately it broke in half right through Chuck's name. (I still have the two pieces, I just don't know where). I don't recall how many years had passed since Chuck went missing when that bracelet broke. And my last bracelet has a place of honor on my living room shelf.

As I got older, I began to babysit Chuck's children. I remember when they told me how to make coffee: half coffee, half milk, and half sugar!

And when Chuck was declared legally dead, I cried again.

As more years went by, I knew that Chuck had only three possible fates: 1) He was now dead; 2) He was a prisoner of war; or 3) He had been a prisoner of war, and it had so changed him that he hadn't come home. I talked about him with new friends. I purchased POW-MIA bumper stickers. I wore POW-MIA pins. I prayed for him and his family. And I never forgot, although our families moved and drifted apart.



Several years ago, I reconnected with Chuck's wife and his youngest child. And now we keep in contact maybe twice a year or so. Chuck's mother is gone, his mother-in-law is gone, and my mother is gone.

Very recently, the unbelievable happened. Chuck's wife received word from the military that the wreckage of Chuck's plane had been found, along with a small amount of human remains. DNA confirmed that the bones were Chuck's. The waiting is over. He had died before we knew he was missing. And I am thankful to God that Chuck never had to endure a prison camp.

This one man, who left his family to die for his country, is part of who I am today. And the interesting thing is, I never met Chuck. He moved his family into the house next door, then left for Vietnam.

But Chuck, I remember you.


(Image from http://woodstockamericanlegionpost1026.org/POWMIA.html)
(For information on the history of POW-MIA bracelets, click here.)

A Silent Moment

"One summer night, out on a flat headland, all but surrounded by the waters of the bay, the horizons were remote and distant rims on the edge of space.  Millions of stars blazed in darkness, and on the far shore a few lights burned in cottages.  Otherwise there was no reminder of human life.  My companion and I were alone with the stars:  the misty river of the Milky Way flowing across the sky, the patterns of the constellations standing out bright and clear, a blazing planet low on the horizon.  It occurred to me that if this were a sight that could be seen only once in a century, this little headland would be thronged with spectators.  But it can be see many scores of nights in any year, and so the lights burned in the cottages and the inhabitants probably gave not a thought to the beauty overhead; and because they could see it almost any night, perhaps they never will." - Rachel Carson

Osama / Obama

It was early, and I was still asleep. My mother, who lived with me at the time, knocked on my bedroom door and said, "A plane just crashed into the World Trade Center!" My feet hit the floor and I ran down the hall after her to see the television. They were replaying the footage, which of course did not include the actual impact since cameras weren't aimed at the top of the World Trade Center on an average Tuesday morning.

My mother left the room to get dressed. I was staring at the television when the second plane crashed into the second tower. I froze in place, then yelled, "Another plane just hit the other tower!" Mother hurried into the room, exclaiming "You're kidding!" as her eyes fastened on the television. Neither of us sat down. We weren't even near the TV, as if distance from that machine could make it all untrue.

Up to that moment, I had a picture in my head of the small private plane that hit the Empire State Building back in 1945. Before my time, but not before my mother's. I imagine, though I never asked, that she was reminded of that event, as well. Then the new thought slammed into me, and I looked at her in horror. I said, "You don't think those were passenger planes, do you?" and our eyes locked for a brief moment.

We stood there for a little while, I don't know how long, watching the coverage. Time was standing still. Then she left the room again to finish dressing. I never moved.

When the news anchor broke in and said a plane had just crashed into the Pentagon, my knees buckled and I grabbed for the counter. My mother, now fully dressed, re-entered the room. I turned my head toward her. Somehow I got the words out. I whispered, "Another plane just hit the Pentagon!"

I'll never forget the look on her face; I can't even find the words to describe it. The noise from the television slowly faded into oblivion and there was dead silence in our house. Then she whispered, "We're under attack!" 

My mother had lived through World War II as one of the many who could do little but watch and wait: Hitler, the Holocaust, the nuclear bomb tests, Pearl Harbor, the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Her world included the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the assassinations of President John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy. It also included the Jonestown mass murders and suicides, the attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan, Operation Desert Storm, the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center, the Waco Branch Davidian siege, and the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building. And now, just as in 1941, the fight had really come to us.

We finally sat down because we were incapable of standing. The South Tower collapsed. By the time the fourth plane crashed in a Pennsylvania field (instead of, presumably, the U.S. Capitol), shock had numbed us. The North Tower collapsed. We didn't look at each other. We didn't speak.

Finally I ran to my bedroom, threw on some clothes, and drove to work; I was already late. When I entered the quilt shop, I saw a television sitting on the front counter. The owner had brought it from home, and she and the employees were gathered around it. I just joined them. There was nothing we could do.

As I recall, we only had two or three customers that day. Everyone was at home. Watching. Crying. Filled with fear. Soon the enemy had a name: Osama bin Laden. America started sharpening her claws. And so began our War on Terror.


Then late yesterday, we got the word that was so long in coming. Thanks to our American military, Osama bin Laden is dead. The relief in this country is palpable. My mother didn't live to see it.

But I'm a skeptic. I support and believe in our armed forces, but I can't say the same for our current president. Less than a month ago, he officially announced his campaign for re-election. That announcement came on the fourth day of the fourth month for the 44th president. And now, after all these years, we've suddenly found bin Laden and killed him. And immediately buried him at sea.

Like I said, I'm a skeptic.

September 11, 2001: World Trade Center Towers I and II, the Pentagon, and Shanksville, Pennsylvania. I remember you.

9/11 Tribute Commercial by Budweiser
"Have You Forgotten?" by Darryl Worley

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Kathleen Marie

Today is my dear cousin's birthday, and she's celebrating it in Heaven for the first time. I've been thinking about her all day, wanting to write something in her honor, not knowing what to say or if I'm strong enough to say it. I have so many funny memories of our times together. She had a fabulous sense of humor.

Kathleen came to visit me once when I was living several states away. It was her first airplane ride, and although she was scared, she enjoyed it. One day we went driving down many country roads so she could see the area and so I could take pictures with my new Pentax camera...I fancy myself a photographer. After a while, she told me we needed to stop for a restroom; she said she'd waited as long as she could. I told her we'd stop at the next available one.

Meanwhile, I continued to find things that I just had to take a photograph of...like a close-up shot of a shed with gray wood planks that had ears of corn showing through the openings. (I still love that photo...wish I knew where it is). And Kathleen said, "I REALLY need a restroom!" And I told her we'd stop at the next available one.

Miles came and went, no civilization. Then I rounded a curve and hit a chicken that was crossing the road. (Yes, I know, but hold the jokes). I immediately stopped in the middle of the road and looked under the car from all sides. Kathleen finally opened her door and said, "I'm sure your car's okay. It was just a chicken." I looked at her in disbelief and said, "I'm not worried about the CAR, I'm worried about the CHICKEN!" She just rolled her eyes and said, "I REALLY REALLY need a restroom!" And I told her we'd stop at the next available one. (There was no sign of the chicken, so I still tell myself that she escaped unharmed).

Then we came up by a farm with a large pig pen right by the road. Kathleen said, "Look at that pig, it's huge!" As I pulled to the side of the road, she said, "Look at that pig pee!" Our jaws dropped as we watched that pig pee. We'd never seen anything like it. And Kathleen said, "Okay, now I REALLY REALLY REALLY need a restroom!" And I told her we'd stop at the next available one. By now it had been over two hours since she had said she'd waited as long as she could.

More miles went by, no civilization. I suggested that she just go in the bushes by the side of the road, like my family used to when we were kids on long driving vacations. Kathleen wouldn't hear of it.

Finally we saw signs of life. I stopped at a popular fast-food restaurant that has clean restrooms. Needless to say, Kathleen went in first while I waited in the hallway. I don't want to be indelicate here, but let's just say that the restroom wasn't very well insulated. I listened in amazement.

When she finally walked out, she shook her head and said, "That pig didn't have nothin' on me!"

Happy birthday, Kathleen Marie! I remember you.