Damn the Torpedoes!

I've been working today on the sidebars of my blog page. I knew I had eclectic tastes, but I never realized to what degree. So far, it's evident in every list I've started.

This afternoon, I began adding YouTube links of "Songs I Love." And I had to make some decisions.

I started this blog for several reasons. One is that sometimes I'm emotionally unable to face actually writing in a journal. But I type very fast.

Another is that it's therapy.

And I want my friends and family to know who I am, especially those who didn't know me before depression consumed my very essence.

I want to find the pieces of who I used to be.

And I want to discover who I am now. When I lost my mother, I lost my point of reference; it had been just her and me for 19 years. Soon after her loss came my infamous year in a homeless shelter. I had no identity. My psyche was wandering aimlessly in small circles inside a vast empty room.

Mostly, I just want to be remembered. In 1998, I was using the List Yourself journal, and I came to the page that said "List the epitaphs you might like on your tombstone." I gave it much thought but could only come up with one: "She mattered."

I had to decide. How much of myself am I truly willing to reveal? This blog is public. I posted it on Facebook. I sent emails to my family and friends. And I truly do want everyone to read it.

As young children, we learn the importance of disguise. We learn to be judicious in what we reveal. We learn to conform the pieces of who we are to fit the expectations of our current audience. Most people fully reveal themselves to only one or two others in their entire lives. Many people never fully reveal themselves to anyone.

I'm the peacemaker. I'll do anything I can to prevent discord in and with those around me. And my self-image and my happiness have always rested on the approval of others. So I categorize. I learn what a person considers acceptable and I make every effort to keep myself within those boundaries in all my interactions with that person. Or group. Or situation.

Sometimes I slip up. It may be an accident, or transient apathy, or a medication blip (that's a technical term!), or simply poor judgement at the moment. And when I slip up, there have always been negative consequences. Which teaches me how I need to modify my behavior.

After stewing about it all day, I made my decision. On this blog, I will say and do what I really think and feel. Because that's who I am. Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead!